Pre-Surgery Psycosis: Preparing for Craniosynostosis Surgery

{There is a very real reason why it's taken me nearly two months to write these posts... to re-account some of the most emotionally painful experiences of my life thus far. It's been hanging over me every day since - the need to write about the experience. But I just couldn't muster up the energy to do it. So much so that I almost abandoned my entire blog. The blog I've built steadily since 2009. I seriously considered throwing it all away just so I wouldn't have to write these posts. But I knew I couldn't do that. I couldn't throw away something I love so much. So here goes... one last journey into those days and weeks, hours and minutes that I never, ever want to live through again. It's not healthy to stay in such a fragile place for too long... Mama's got to keep it movin'. I'm going to write, hit "Publish" and never read them again. At least not for a very long time. Please excuse any typos - I'm not going to edit because I really don't want to re-read it.}

Need to catch up? Here are links to all the Cranio posts in chronological order:

• http://sweetleighmama.blogspot.com/2011/07/unexpected-journey-craniosynostosis.html
• http://sweetleighmama.blogspot.com/2011/08/surgeons-and-doctors-and-specialists-oh.html
• http://sweetleighmama.blogspot.com/2011/08/you-have-to-do-what-diagnosis.html

In the two weeks leading up to Deacon's surgery, I had a major mental meltdown. From the moment the diagnosis was confirmed, I knew it would happen - I just didn't know when - because I had become pretty great at pushing down the emotion of it all. But then it happened... the pre-authorization letter arrived from our insurance company with the all caps, bolded words "FULL CRANIOTOMY, MAJOR SKULL SURGERY, BONE GRAFT" right smack in the middle of the page. And like an avalanche, I lost it. Lost what? My mind. Right then and there, I moved into pre-surgery psycosis {self-diagnosed, of course}. The two weeks which followed receiving that letter are a complete blur. I know I saw people, had conversations, went through the motions of life... but nothing stuck. All I could think about 24/7 was the idea of my tiny, precious, smiley baby boy getting his skull removed. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Life moved in slow motion.

A week before the surgery we went to Children's Hospital for D's pre-op visit. A CT scan, blood work, meetings with the doctors, and a meeting with the anesthesia team. And of course I smiled and nodded my head like I was taking in all the information being thrown at me about the surgery and recovery. It was like an out-of-body experience. The lights were on, but no one was home. But the important part was that we made it through the 4 months of waiting. And in just a few short days, everything would be fixed.

Smiley guy at his pre-op visits

CT scan to determine the extent of the situation

Daddy taking care of business

Mama "smiling"

They took a lot of blood, but that won't hold me down!

Finally able to catch some ZZZZZ's in between appointments

The 12 Days of My Hiatus

Oh where, oh where has Sweet Leigh Mama been? EVERYWHERE! I haven't posted for over a month... but I'm back in action. And I thought I would give you a glimpse into the craziness I call life with a little song {to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas}. Feel free to sing along : )

On the first day of my hiatus, my crazy life gave to me... a baby with a craniotomy.

On the second day of my hiatus, my crazy life gave to me...
*...100 dissolveable stitches, and a baby with a craniotomy.



On the third day of my hiatus, my crazy life gave to me...
*...utter and pure exhaustion, 100 dissolveable stitches, and a baby with a craniotomy.

On the fourth day of my hiatus, my crazy life gave to me...
*...a smiling & happy Deacon, utter and pure exhaustion, 100 dissolveable stitches, and a baby with a craniotomy.

On the fifth day of my hiatus, my crazy life gave to me...
*...one positive pregnancy test {WHAT?!}, a smiling & happy Deacon, utter and pure exhaustion, 100 dissolveable stitches, and a baby with a craniotomy.

On the sixth day of my hiatus, my crazy life gave to me...
*...an appointment with my O.B. {How exactly did this happen?!}, one positive pregnancy test {WHAT?!}, a smiling & happy Deacon, utter and pure exhaustion, 100 dissolveable stitches, and a baby with a craniotomy.

On the seventh day of my hiatus, my crazy life gave to me...
*...a "fun" hystrosalpingogram {OUCH!}, an appointment with my O.B. {How exactly did this happen?!}, one positive pregnancy test {WHAT?!}, a smiling & happy Deacon, utter and pure exhaustion, 100 dissolveable stitches, and a baby with a craniotomy.

On the eighth day of my hiatus, my crazy life gave to me...
*...a negative HCG test {PHEW!!}, a "fun" hystrosalpingogram {OUCH!}, an appointment with my O.B. {How exactly did this happen?!}, one positive pregnancy test {WHAT?!}, a smiling & happy Deacon, utter and pure exhaustion, 100 dissolveable stitches, and a baby with a craniotomy.

On the ninth day of my hiatus, my crazy life gave to me...
*...two of three NY houses under contract {YIPEE!}, a negative HCG test {PHEW!!}, a "fun" hystrosalpingogram {OUCH!}, an appointment with my O.B. {How exactly did this happen?!}, one positive pregnancy test {WHAT?!}, a smiling & happy Deacon, utter and pure exhaustion, 100 dissolveable stitches, and a baby with a craniotomy.
 
On the tenth day of my hiatus, my crazy life gave to me...
*...a booming Etsy business {Anyone need a wreath?}, two of three NY houses under contract {YIPEE!}, a negative HCG test {PHEW!!}, a "fun" hystrosalpingogram {OUCH!}, an appointment with my O.B. {How exactly did this happen?!}, one positive pregnancy test {WHAT?!}, a smiling & happy Deacon, utter and pure exhaustion, 100 dissolveable stitches, and a baby with a craniotomy.

 On the eleventh day of my hiatus, my crazy life gave to me...
*...glass shards in Paigey's big toe, a booming Etsy business {Anyone need a wreath?}, two of three NY houses under contract {YIPEE!}, a negative HCG test {PHEW!!}, a "fun" hystrosalpingogram {OUCH!}, an appointment with my O.B. {How exactly did this happen?!}, one positive pregnancy test {WHAT?!}, a smiling & happy Deacon, utter and pure exhaustion, 100 dissolveable stitches, and a baby with a craniotomy.

On the twelfth day of my hiatus, my crazy life gave to me...
*...4 dissolveable stitches {this time for Paigey}, glass shards in Paigey's big toe, a booming Etsy business {Anyone need a wreath?}, two of three NY houses under contract {YIPEE!}, a negative HCG test {PHEW!!}, a "fun" hystrosalpingogram {OUCH!}, an appointment with my O.B. {How exactly did this happen?!}, one positive pregnancy test {WHAT?!}, a smiling & happy Deacon, utter and pure exhaustion, 100 dissolveable stitches, and a baby with a craniotomy.


Like that sneak peek?! For the next few days I'll expand on each of these incidents. Fun times : )

xoxo,
Sweet Leigh Mama
aka Erica