We're off to see the surgeon, the wonderful surgeon of... pediatric brains. Doesn't quite have the same ring to it as The Wizard of Oz, does it? : )
First, let me say THANK YOU for all of the support and love we received after posting about Deacon's craniosynostosis situation. Before posting, I didn't know anyone who had gone through this. Now - come to find out - a lot of people know people whose babies had this condition, got the surgery, and are now healthy, happy babies. YAHOO! And that's why I love this blog and the sometimes over-sharing that I do. Because it's nice to know you aren't in it alone. I love being part of this community of mamas. And I thank you again for the support, love and prayers! We feel it... we really do : )
So this morning we are heading over to our first official doctor's appointment re: the craniosynostosis. First up: the pediatric neurosurgeon. And I have mixed emotions about it. Part of me hopes we'll walk in, the doctor will take one look at Deacon and say, "There's absolutely nothing wrong! He's fine!" But I'm not letting that hope overrun the reality that I know in my heart is true. So even though I hope and pray and wish the doctor will give us a clean bill of health, my second choice is that we walk in and the doctor says, "Yes, he has it. But it's absolutely fixable. We've caught it in time. No damage, swelling or compression of the little man's brain. Now let's get this taken care of asap." And then we are whisked through a whirlwind of tests, appointments and surgery - and we can look back in a month with smiles on our faces because we all made it through to the other side.
Luckily, I'm generally a pretty positive person. But I have to admit that at times, my mind goes crazy with the other possibilities of what the doctor may say. Like what if he says it's worse than we thought. Or that it will take multiple surgeries to fix. Am I ready for that? Am I ready to hear those words and deal with that reality? I'd like to think I am. But how much pain can your heart take before it completely shatters?
I went out to dinner with my BFF mama friend the other night (no babies, no husbands, just us! LET THE ANGELS SING!!) and I realized that I am holding a lot of my emotions on this inside. I talk about it with my husband every day, but I'm keeping myself from really feeling it. I talk about scheduling the appointments, about the great doctors we will be working with, about how each day (especially over the last week) we both have noticed the increasing size of D's forehead and the "smushed" look of the side of his head. But I don't let myself get too deep into the emotion of it. I'm holding back on that. Because if I let myself go there now, I might not be able to get through the next few days of appointments without completely losing it. When I start to feel the pressure of tears build up, I tell myself that if I can just get through the next week of appointments and find out what the next steps will be, then I can let go. And I will... it's inevitable.
A few years ago my mom and I attended a Women of Faith conference and one of the speakers said something pretty powerful that we both repeat often... "To get over something, you have to go through it. Not over it. Not under it. Not around it. But THROUGH it." Until you let yourself actually GO THROUGH the sadness, anxiety or whatever else you may be dealing with, you won't be able to move on from it. Because I firmly believe this concept to be true, I know that I will go through it. But not just yet. Right now I see myself as kind of hovering above the situation, keeping all the ducks in a line and everything moving along - keeping a clear head so the best decisions can be made. But I know soon I'm going to have to "go through" it. But first I need a clear picture of what exactly we are going through (surgery? how many? what kind?). And today's doctor's appointment with the pediatric neurosurgeon will begin to bring that into focus.
Next up on Thursday is the Pediatric Craniofacial Surgeon. And then, TBD. But you know I'll let you all know... : )