Poor Man's Pedicure

When I decided to be a stay-at-home mama, I knew I was going to have to cut back on some of the finer things in life in order to stay on budget. One thing that didn't make the cut was pedicures. Boo! But at $30-$40 a pop, they really add up! So for the past 4 months I've been doing my own pedicures. And by "doing my own" I really mean trimming back my eagle talon toenails and slapping some paint on them. I bought a pumice stone to use in the shower, but I might as well be rubbing day-old bread on my heels for the amount of "improvement" I have seen. Plus, when I do get a chance to paint my toenails, they end up smudging because what mama actually has time to sit and let her nails DRY! It's just not gonna happen.

So yesterday I was in CVS picking up some Schminfant Scmhylenol (aka generic-brand Infant Tylenol) thanks to the recall when I decided to take a stroll down the cosmetics aisle. I was initially going to purchase some quick-drying nail polish when I saw an interesting proposition - press-on toenails. Yes, I said it... press-on toenails. Remember those stick-on nails we used back in middle school to pretend we had luxurious red fingernails? So now they make them for toenails.They were the same cost as the quick-dry nail polish ($6) so I figured I would give it a shot. I put them on this morning and let me tell you - they are AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First of all, they have improved DRAMATICALLY since the times of Lee Press-On Nails. No more flimsy stickers - you use full-on Crazy Glue to keep these suckers on. With the brand I purchased (Kiss) there were 30 different sizes, so I was able to find the perfect size for each of my toes. (BTW - totally found out my toes are VERY asymmetrical... had to use different sizes on each different toe) Once you figure out the right size for each toe, you slap some crazy glue on the back and stick it on. (Note: I got a little crazy with the crazy glue on the first toe, hence the glob of glue that will hopefully come off when I shower today). There is even a little nubby-thing to hold on to at the end of each nail for easier application. Then, the nubby-thing snaps off. The whole process took me about 20 minutes (which is about how long Paige can keep herself occupied without fussing) and now I have perfect toes. : ) YAHOOO! But now the true test... how long do they stay on for? The box said 10 days. AND - what condition are my toenails in when they do finally pop off. I figure they won't be any worse than before, that's for sure!

The Stinky Farm

Growing up, there was one stretch of road near my house that was unbearable to pass through during 6 months out of the year. See, on this road was a farm. A dairy farm. With LOTS of cows. And even more cow poop. My sister and I named this farm, "The Stinky Farm." As you were approaching the Stinky Farm, families would react as if they just found out radioactive materials were in the air. Windows were rolled up. Sunroofs closed. And air vents were turned to recirculate the interior air, rather than pull any contaminated air from the outside. Yes.. it was that bad. The smell of cow manure gagged even the strongest. The putrid air would get caught in your nose and lungs... not ceasing until mile or two past the farm.

So what does this have to do with being a mama? Oh, just wait...

Up until a few days ago, I had no problem changing my baby's diaper. Even the poopy diapers. It really didn't make me wince, gag or even think twice. So what changed? Two words: rice cereal. Once she turned four months I began to introduce rice cereal to her diet once a day. Now that she is starting to actually swallow it (vs. spitting it right out), her bowels have changed significantly. The sweet smell of formula is no more... yesterday when I opened her diaper I almost passed out. Seriously. I wondered if a cow from the Stinky Farm had snuck down to Atlanta, pooped in her diaper, and then put it back on her. Yes - my baby's poop now smells like cow manure. AHHHHHHH! You may be saying - How can two tablespoons of rice cereal create such a powerful odor? Well let me tell you - it does. And if rice cereal is bad, I can only imagine what peas, apples and - oh no - meats, will do.

Today I went for a walk with Paige and Lenni LuLu (the dog). It was a GORGEOUS day! But when I returned home and opened the door, I was hit with that smell. POOP! I gagged. I wrinkled my nose. And I acknowledged - my house is now the Stinky Farm. Febreeze, anyone?!

The Pregnancy Card

Question: How long is too long to play the pregnancy card? Paige just turned four months, so I'm thinking the pregnancy card has expired. However, I am definitely not above using it (along with the "new mama" card) as needed. Yesterday I went to the dentist for the first time in a few years. I know, I know - but I had a traumatic experience last time, and I've been a wimp about going back ever since. Sooooo... I went yesterday and I had a bit of gum irritation. Maybe it's because I don't floss every day? Perhaps. But I like the suggestion the hygienist had: acidity from pregnancy hormones causes gum irritation! Why, of course! That is EXACTLY the reason : ). Oh, and the other reason she offered was that "new moms are so busy, they don't have time to floss." Yup! I'll take it. Never mind the fact that I just hate to floss... If someone else wants to play the pregnancy/new mama card for me, I won't oppose!

I'm dramatic. I admit it. But when you pull the new mama card, you have to put on a little show to get the result you're seeking. I went to Dillards the other day to return a dress I decided I didn't like. I had my receipt AND tags. Who knew that in Dillards you have to go to the EXACT register/department you purchased it from. Well, the department happened to be on the 3rd floor... And how was I supposed to get up there with my huge stroller? (shhhh... Forget that the elevator was nearby). So at the second register I was rejected from, the new mama card came flying out. I said "my baby is about to freak out, I can't go up the escalator with the stroller, and I just really need to return this dress so I can get to my car and feed my baby." : ) It worked.

So I've determined the prego card has expired, but the new mama card is valid for at least another few months!