I Just May be Turning into a Helicopter Mama

I used to love watching scary movies and TV shows - the creepier and more suspenseful, the better. And then I moved into my first apartment by myself after college and realized that watching movies and shows about single females being kidnapped from their apartments, followed off the subway, or having hidden cameras stuck in their air vents by creepy landlords might not be the best way to induce a good night's sleep. Luckily in that first apartment all utilities were included in the rent, so leaving every single light on all night long wasn't problematic (for me at least!).

Since becoming a mama, there is a new type of TV/movie scenario I need to avoid: basically, anything that involves children. Maybe it's the hormones, but it seems like every single show or movie I watch involves children being hurt, abandoned, kidnapped... or worse. And it gives me heart palpitations. I think it just hits too close to home. What used to be sad or troublesome now stays with me for days on end - I can't get those horrible images out of my head and worry about not only the safety of my own children, but every child I know! Yes, I acknowledge this is a little crazy. But it's the truth.

Last week Netflix sent us "Babble" - you know, the 2006 movie with Brad Pitt that was nominated for Best Picture? Neither Daniel or I had seen it, but were excited to watch. Well, it takes a bit of concentration to understand that movie and connect the dots. But I just couldn't do it. Why? Because every storyline involved children being put in harm's way - Moroccan children shooting guns and feeling guilty when an accident happens, US children being taken into Mexico and then left in the desert, and even a teenage girl in Japan with more issues than I can write about here. Every time a new scene started, I was worrying about the children in the last scene. My heart was aching as if they were real people, in a real situation. Last night's Law and Order: SVU involved an abandoned baby - and I almost had to leave the room because it was so heart-wrenching. And you know it's bad when I can't even watch Wonder Pets on Nick Jr. without tearing up at the thought of the Baby Panda not being able to find his Mama.

I guess it's because I have a new perspective since becoming a mother - I now feel the constant need to protect, defend and nurture babies and children. It's not out of left field for mamas to feel this way, but I never thought it would hit me so hard. I definitely think it's magnified by the hormones, but I have serious visions of becoming a Helicopter Mom - hoovering over my child's every move to keep them safe and protected. I always knew I would be a tad bit overprotective. That was a given. But I think it has taken on new form. Miss Paige was playing in one of those Fisher-Price cars the other day and my mind immediately jumped 15 years ahead, to when she is driving a real car. And even though I have a decade and a half to prepare myself, it's terrifying to think of my baby out on her own. Phew... I'm getting myself in a tizzy just writing about it : )

And so, it is with new perspective on what it means to conceive, carry and raise a baby from infancy that I must now declare: Miss Paige, you will live at home forever. With mommy and daddy. And your little brother. And if necessary, we may become Amish. Or people who live in a tent in the woods.Or I may deem it necessary to form a family band - a la The Partridge Family - so we will be forced to be together forever (contractually, legally binding of course - for the sake of the band).

Just kidding... kind of : )

Mooo Mooo Cow Phase

I've officially entered the cow phase of pregnancy. You know - that point at about 33-34 weeks when you are so large you feel like you can no longer walk, breathe, sleep or function normally. And no matter how small you start out, I'm pretty sure that at this point every mama feels like any day now, she may just start Mooing. I've created a list of clues you may be entering the Cow Phase of pregnancy...

1. You feel like there is never enough space for you in the bed and regulate your husband to the very edge of the mattress so you can fully expand your legs and arms in any position you deem comfortable at the moment. You may start to take up residence in the guest room just to have the bed to yourself.
2. Your lungs are so smushed inside your chest cavity that even the slightest of movements cause you to get winded. Going up and down the stairs is reserved only for emergencies.
3. Your boobs begin to resemble utters. Enough said.
4. You have to adjust the seat in your car too allow for extra room between your belly and the steering wheel.
5. You thank God daily that you can no longer see past your belly, because between your swollen feet and the massive cankles, it's a blessing they are hidden from your view.
6. You decide that no one in the world has it as bad as you. Especially your husband. And if he tries to complain about ANYTHING, you quickly remind him of your aching va-jay-jay, back and hip joints. And then throw in a "You can never understand because you are a MAN!" just for good measure.
7. You check pregnancy-related websites daily to see if what you are feeling could signify impending labor, how early it would be safe for your baby to arrive, and secretly research ways to naturally induce labor because you are pretty much DONEZO with being prego.
8. Feeling irritable is an understatement.
9. Wearing prints is out of the question, as a tiny flower suddenly turns into a rose garden as it stretches across your belly. Words and images become unidentifiable as a good third of the design gets sucked into the crease between your boobs and belly.
10. You wonder if sitting in a kiddie pool, in your backyard, by yourself, for hours on end is appropriate. You decide you don't care what other people think, and do it anyway.

I'll Snatch Your Kid!

As mamas, we know people tend to say very strange things to us and to our babies. Grocery stores, Target and restaurants seem to be where these loose-lipped people gather. Oh, and come to find out, Children's Hospitals. Most of the time it's stuff you can easily brush off - like comments about how your child is/isn't dressed (Oh! No shoes today?!), their binkys (My child stopped using a binky at 3 months - isn't she kind of old to still be using one?) and any other subject people seem themselves experts on. But there is one particular comment I get every few weeks that REALLY frosts my cookies - "She is so cute! Better watch out, because someone might snatch her when you turn your back!"

EXCUUUUUUUUSE ME?! Did you just say my child is going to be kidnapped?

And I'm not talking about the times people say things like - I want to take her home with me! - or stuff like that. I consider that still in the range of normal. But referencing kidnapping? Not so funny.

The most awkward time this was said was in January when we rushed Miss Paige to the Children's Hospital because of a super high fever. As the doctor was leaving the room, she turned around in the doorway and said with a straight face, "You better keep a close eye on her! She's likely to get snatched one day!"  Daniel and I just stared at the doctor, both with blank looks upon our faces. Did she really just say that?! We were speechless.

Another time, I was in line at Subway with Paige when a woman walking by stopped, looked at Paige, and said, "If she were alone, I'd grab her and bring her to Hollywood. I'd be rich!"  No lie.

Today in Target as I was browsing the diaper/wipes aisle looking for a good deal on Huggies wipes, a woman approached me from behind and said, "Could you turn your back for a second so I can take your baby?" She was smiling... I wasn't. SO not funny. I made a beeline out of the aisle before she tazed me or made a grab at Paige. Back that stuff up, lady!

While I love Nancy Grace and watch her show religiously, I'm not trying to be the next mugshot featured after I'm arrested for vigilante justice as a result of some psycho getting too close to my babies. However, I think I'm going to start wearing a sign around my neck that says, "BEWARE OF OVERPROTECTIVE MOM!" and maybe put one on Paige that says, "THINK BEFORE SAYING SOMETHING STUPID - MY MOM IS A BEAST!" : )