Tuesday, January 25, 2011

A Few New Skills I've Acquired Along the Way...

Over the past 13 months of Mommyhood, I've managed to expand my repertoire of skills and abilities to include things I've never dreamed of. Some good. Some not so good. But all in the name of being the best mama I can be... So here goes:

  • Master Yogi: One hand on the baby, one hand reaching for the diaper cream that just got flung across the room, one foot keeping the dog away from the dirty diaper that fell on the floor, and hopping up and down on the other foot, trying to keep from peeing myself (because, yet again, I rushed to take care of the baby and forgot about my own needs). The flexibility required to be a mama is unprecedented.
  • Infomercial Aficionado: Ask me about any product advertised late-night and I'll have an opinion on it. Why? Becasue nothing else is on during the 12 am - 4 am shift spent feeding, rocking, pacing, etc. with a newborn baby. The new Pajama Jeans seem pretty fantastic. If I had live plants in my house, I'd definitely have an Aquaglobe. And the Yoshiblade makes me want to chop up some onions - or a soda can, because it can do that too!
  • Forced Narcoleptic: Remember the days when you could freely choose your bedtime? 10:00, 11:00... what did it matter? If you felt like taking a quick nap on a Sunday afternoon, you could! Now, our sleeping schedule is dictated by the human alarm clock you gave birth to. And because of that, we force ourselves to sleep whenever we can... because who knows the next time you'll be able to lay down and close your eyes!?
  • Birdbath Taker: I've become an expert at taking birdbaths... you know, the quick "clean the necessary places" splash down you do in the bathroom sink when there is no time to take a real shower? No time to wait for the shower to heat up... a birdbath can be taken cold, hot, lukewarm. As long as some H2O hits the necessities, you feel like a whole new mama!
  • Psychic: I can now predict the thoughts, movements and needs of every person (or animal) under my roof. Forget multi-tasking... mamas learn to psychic-task - predicting what everyone is going to need/want in the next 12/24/48 hours just to maintain a normal breathing pattern and avoid losing your mind.
  • Human Mapquest: Before jumping in my car, I plot out the exact route to get to where I need to go and back before nap time, lunch time, diaper change time, or complete and total meltdown time. This mental mapping also considers sand traps (i.e. School Zones, Crossing Guards), traffic patterns (i.e. morning/evening rush hour) and most importantly, Natural Disasters - those inevitable happenings that must be avoided at all costs (i.e. The last stop must ALWAYS be picking up the dry cleaning... otherwise the newly pressed shirts and pants and crinkly plastic are too tempting for sticky, grabby fingers).
  • Sun and Moon Gazer: I'm pretty much a budding Galileo. No matter what time of day or night, I know exactly what time it is based on the sun and the moon. If the sun is shining through the front blinds, it's still before 9 a.m. The moon shines in the bedroom window at 3 a.m. So why don't I just look at a clock, you ask? Becasue who has time for that!? Gotta keep it moving...
  • Ventriloquist: Here's how it usually goes...  
Stranger: "Hi cutie! What's your name?"  
Paige: Blank Stare. No smile. Wide eyes.   
Stranger: "You are such a big girl! How old are you?" 
Paige: Blank Stare. No smile. Wide eyes.
Me: (cue high pitched baby voice) "Hi! I'm Paige. I AM a big girl... 13 months old!"
Stranger: Laughs uncomfortably, walks away  
Paige: Waves bye-bye and smiles as soon as the stranger turns her back.    

  • Stealth Bomber: During nap times, I am able to maneuver through the house with the silence of a Drone. Laundry, straightening, cooking - I've mastered doing all as if I were a mime. Guests must learn to do the same... or else. : )
  • Bat Girl: No, not the baseball kind of Bat Girl. But the animal kind. As in the animal who has super sonic hearing. Forget baby monitors... a simple roll, sneeze, whimper from the nursery and I am awaken from a deep sleep. Not much goes on in this house that mama doesn't hear.
I know there must be more... any that I have forgotten? Or maybe just haven't discovered yet? Do tell!