Sunday, November 27, 2011

Pre-Surgery Psycosis: Preparing for Craniosynostosis Surgery

{There is a very real reason why it's taken me nearly two months to write these posts... to re-account some of the most emotionally painful experiences of my life thus far. It's been hanging over me every day since - the need to write about the experience. But I just couldn't muster up the energy to do it. So much so that I almost abandoned my entire blog. The blog I've built steadily since 2009. I seriously considered throwing it all away just so I wouldn't have to write these posts. But I knew I couldn't do that. I couldn't throw away something I love so much. So here goes... one last journey into those days and weeks, hours and minutes that I never, ever want to live through again. It's not healthy to stay in such a fragile place for too long... Mama's got to keep it movin'. I'm going to write, hit "Publish" and never read them again. At least not for a very long time. Please excuse any typos - I'm not going to edit because I really don't want to re-read it.}

Need to catch up? Here are links to all the Cranio posts in chronological order:

In the two weeks leading up to Deacon's surgery, I had a major mental meltdown. From the moment the diagnosis was confirmed, I knew it would happen - I just didn't know when - because I had become pretty great at pushing down the emotion of it all. But then it happened... the pre-authorization letter arrived from our insurance company with the all caps, bolded words "FULL CRANIOTOMY, MAJOR SKULL SURGERY, BONE GRAFT" right smack in the middle of the page. And like an avalanche, I lost it. Lost what? My mind. Right then and there, I moved into pre-surgery psycosis {self-diagnosed, of course}. The two weeks which followed receiving that letter are a complete blur. I know I saw people, had conversations, went through the motions of life... but nothing stuck. All I could think about 24/7 was the idea of my tiny, precious, smiley baby boy getting his skull removed. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Life moved in slow motion.

A week before the surgery we went to Children's Hospital for D's pre-op visit. A CT scan, blood work, meetings with the doctors, and a meeting with the anesthesia team. And of course I smiled and nodded my head like I was taking in all the information being thrown at me about the surgery and recovery. It was like an out-of-body experience. The lights were on, but no one was home. But the important part was that we made it through the 4 months of waiting. And in just a few short days, everything would be fixed.

Smiley guy at his pre-op visits
CT scan to determine the extent of the situation

Daddy taking care of business

Mama "smiling"

They took a lot of blood, but that won't hold me down!

Finally able to catch some ZZZZZ's in between appointments

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