Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Mommy Failure?

I kept going back and forth on whether or not I would share this... Which is probably why I had a mental block on blogging for a few days. I knew I SHOULD discuss, but I guess I just wasn't ready to. It's part traumatic, part scary, and part embarrassing. But after sitting with it for a few days, I figured I would go ahead and share - writing always makes me feel better : )

Since Paige was born I prided myself on being a pretty great mom. Yes, things get chaotic from time to time and I feel like my head is going to explode, but I think I do a pretty good job keeping everything together. I love gallivanting with her all over the place and taking the bumps of mommyhood in stride. Emergency diaper change? I got that. Need a quick bottle? No prob! I get a thrill out of juggling all the different parts of being Paige's mommy. So exactly how I let the following happen, I'm not too sure...

I was up in NY visiting family, and was just finishing feeding Paige her dinner. I had her strapped into one of those portable booster seats, which was then strapped onto a dining chair. I was gabbing away while wiping off her face and hands. I snapped off the tray, unhooked her straps, turned around to put everything down and... BOOM! Paige toppled out of the booster seat and onto the floor. The whole thing happened in a matter of moments - probably not even one full second. I turned around in time to see her falling out, but couldn't move fast enough to catch her. She landed on the kitchen floor on her hands and knees (kind of like a crawling position). All I remember doing at that point is screaming at the top of my lungs. I scooped Paige up in my arms - she was also screaming and crying. All I could say to her was, "I am so sorry baby. I am so sorry" over and over again. At that moment I felt like a complete failure as a mommy. HOW COULD I LET THIS HAPPEN?!

Thank God, Paige was fine. The only evidence of her fall was a scratched nose which healed in 2 days. 10 minutes later she was back to laughing and playing. It seemed as if she had forgotten about the whole incident. I, unfortunately, still can't get it out of my mind. It's like an internal dialogue, with one side saying, "It was an accident. Everything is ok." and the other side saying, "You fool! If you let this happen, what is going to happen next?" I can't seem to shake the guilt. : (  But I'm working on it. And I think writing about it will help.

Ain't mommyhood grand? : ) Guess I'm not Super Mom afterall.