Monday, May 2, 2011

Mooo Mooo Cow Phase

I've officially entered the cow phase of pregnancy. You know - that point at about 33-34 weeks when you are so large you feel like you can no longer walk, breathe, sleep or function normally. And no matter how small you start out, I'm pretty sure that at this point every mama feels like any day now, she may just start Mooing. I've created a list of clues you may be entering the Cow Phase of pregnancy...

  1. You feel like there is never enough space for you in the bed and regulate your husband to the very edge of the mattress so you can fully expand your legs and arms in any position you deem comfortable at the moment. You may start to take up residence in the guest room just to have the bed to yourself.
  2. Your lungs are so smushed inside your chest cavity that even the slightest of movements cause you to get winded. Going up and down the stairs is reserved only for emergencies.
  3. Your boobs begin to resemble utters. Enough said.
  4. You have to adjust the seat in your car too allow for extra room between your belly and the steering wheel.
  5. You thank God daily that you can no longer see past your belly, because between your swollen feet and the massive cankles, it's a blessing they are hidden from your view.
  6. You decide that no one in the world has it as bad as you. Especially your husband. And if he tries to complain about ANYTHING, you quickly remind him of your aching va-jay-jay, back and hip joints. And then throw in a "You can never understand because you are a MAN!" just for good measure.
  7. You check pregnancy-related websites daily to see if what you are feeling could signify impending labor, how early it would be safe for your baby to arrive, and secretly research ways to naturally induce labor because you are pretty much DONEZO with being prego.
  8. Feeling irritable is an understatement.
  9. Wearing prints is out of the question, as a tiny flower suddenly turns into a rose garden as it stretches across your belly. Words and images become unidentifiable as a good third of the design gets sucked into the crease between your boobs and belly.
  10. You wonder if sitting in a kiddie pool, in your backyard, by yourself, for hours on end is appropriate. You decide you don't care what other people think, and do it anyway.