Tuesday, April 26, 2011

My Son Smuggled in a Shank

I don't know how it happened, or when it happened, but the baby I am carrying in my belly somehow managed to smuggle in a shank. What is a shank, you ask? Through my husband's obsession with crime/police/prison-related TV programs, I have learned that a shank is a homemade weapon/knife often molded out of toothbrush handles or bars of soap, and usually concealed in the spines of library books or under the rim of the toilet to avoid detection. Sometimes these weapons are smuggled into jails through homemade baked goods (i.e. birthday cakes) or smushed between layers of a postcard. ; ) And somehow - despite the maximum security that is my uterus - Lil D has managed to smuggle in - or perhaps even manufacture - a shank inside my womb. I'm thinking he may have used the massive amount of Starburst Jelly Beans I've been scarfing down (which I purchased under the guise of stocking Paige's Easter basket last week). Becasue, honestly, if it's not a shank, how else in the world can I be stabbed at least once a day from the inside out?

The doctors are claiming it's "round ligament pain." I call cow poop on that one! Can so-called "round ligament pain" stop you in your tracks - even when those tracks are leading straight to an amazing sale on undergarments and sleepwear at Kohls?? Can "round ligament pain" cause you to momentarily consider that your baby may be trying to exit through your hip joint?? Can "round ligament pain" feel like a Charlie Horse that galloped up to the side of your abdomen/hip and got stuck? Well - according to Google - yes. That is exactly what round ligament pain can feel like. After I decided the Dr.'s must have missed the boat on this diagnosis, I turned to my trusty search engine and discovered - lo and behold - that round ligament pain can really be that painful. And while I was relieved to find out my son isn't preparing for the remake of Prison Break, it's still hard to believe that stretching ligaments can be so bad. I guess what I am experiencing is the ligaments ceasing up - being stretched to their max, then shooting back like a rubber band and freezing there for a while. Fun.

Only 7 more weeks to go! Woo hoo!