Baby, You Are a Pain in My Va-jay-jay

I've been out of commission for a few days. And by out of commission, I mean I couldn't walk without wincing. The problem? My va-jay-jay. Specifically, the stabbing pains shooting down from my uterus/cervix. Earlier last week, just as I was dipping my toe into the third trimester, I got the 20-lb watermelon sensation just like last time. You know, the feeling that if you get up too quickly, walk to fast, or sneeze the wrong way, a 20-lb watermelon may fall out of you. And that is uncomfortable enough. But after an afternoon excursion to Ikea, followed the next day by a 5 mile walk with the fam, my cervix had given up trying to hold up the watermelon. And now, instead of discomfort, I literally have shooting pains like lightening bolts. Enough to bring tears to my eyes. I figured I just needed some rest and spent all of Sunday in bed, with my feet up. And - Thank You Jesus - it seemed to have worked. The Watermelon is back, with only sporadic bolts of lightening.

During my self-imposed day of rest, I decided to consult my medical team (aka Google) re: my condition to see if any other women were experience the same thing. And lo-and-behold, they were. Many of them. Enough so that 4 pages of results came up from the search query "shooting pains int he va-jay-jay". Hallelujah for not feeling like I'm the only crazy prego out there! Of course I'm going to ask my doctor about it next time I go - which is quickly approaching the 2-times-per-week phase. But in the meantime, I feel comforted by the responses I found on Google, which indicated the shooting pains were a result of the ligaments loosening up as the body prepares for delivery. Nice.

Taxi Mouse, Minivan Mouse

My husband and I grew up in similar areas, both suburbs of major metropolitan areas. I grew up outside NYC, and Daniel grew up outside Atlanta. Given their proximity to cities, both areas were pretty rural. My town even more so than Daniel's. Farms. Cows. No street lights. However, we have two very different perspectives on city living - I LOVE it and Daniel HATES it. I love the energy. The commotion. The chaos. I particularly appreciate public transportation. Daniel hates all of the above - especially public transportation. Why? I really have no idea. So when we went to San Diego, I conveniently forgot to tell him that we weren't going to rent a car : ) I wasn't trying to be sneaky, but I knew there would be no reason to rent a car for $60 per day PLUS pay $40 per day to park it at the hotel. TOTALLY not worth it. Plus, I like the convenience of hopping into a cab, and not thinking about it again until you arrive - no maps, no GPS, no arguing over the best way to go... Daniel wasn't super excited when he found out, but I assured him we would avoid all trains, buses and subways, at which point I could see him breathe a sigh of relief.

Side note: Here is an image of Daniel from one of our pre-baby trips back in 2007-ish. Note the annoyed look, beads of sweat forming over his brow, and general hatred of all things public transportation. : )

We were in Chicago for a friend's wedding and again, I had refused to rent a car since public transportation was so readily available. At the time this pic was taken, we were waiting for the train to head back to our hotel. Just an hour before, Daniel had suggested we "flag down a bus" and "have it take us to our hotel." I started to explain the concept of bus routes to him with no avail... he was not a happy camper to say the least Am I wrong for getting such enjoyment out of this lovely image? : )


Anyway... back to San Diego. So luckily our hotel had a fleet of Taxis waiting to take us anywhere we needed to go, and the fares were super cheap. As we rode to our various destinations, I would break out my favorite Nick Jr. song (video above) - Taxi - and Paige and I would clap and sing and laugh. Even the cab driver would join in on the fun. Daniel - not so much. I could see him looking out the window, praying the ride would soon be over so he could get on solid ground and back in control of his surroundings. Mr. Too-Cool-For-School was again, sweating bullets. Heheheheh....

And everyone who has ever ridden in a taxi knows that the drivers are some of the most interesting people you will ever meet. Aspiring politicians, actors, finance gurus - they are a wealth of information. Once in NY I had a Taxi driver tell me about how he knew Bernie Madoff was corrupt before everyone else -- and because of that knowledge, he decided not to invest his money with him. I didn't realize Steven Spielberg and this particular taxi driver ran in the same financial circles ; )  I love chatting with the drivers and hearing the pearls of wisdom drop off their tongues. One in San Diego began telling us about a recent article he read re: race relations in Atlanta, then quickly jumped to discussing how the lunar landing was all a farse. Daniel thinks I'm crazy and always gives me a look like, "Please don't egg him on..." Well, on our final trip to the airport, we had the best taxi driver EVER! He was an aspiring comedian, and his forte was knock-knock jokes. BRILLIANT! The first few minutes were funny... even stoneface Daniel laughed. But you can only hear so many knock knock jokes before they get a little old. My four year old niece recently discovered the joy of telling knock knock jokes, but hers are actually funny! Mr. Taxi Driver's jokes...well... after the 50th or so we were ready to leap out the window. But it was still a once in a lifetime experience that you can only get on public transportation. Now if only I could have gotten Daniel on the train or bus.... there is always next time!

Angels and Demons: The Tale of Two Delta Flight Crews

Over the lasts two months, I've taken four flights with Miss Paige. One round trip to NY, and most recently a round trip to San Diego. All Delta. And I have to say I really took the flight crews on the first three of the four flights for granted. Both ways - to and from NY - were fabulous as far as the flight crew is concerned. My personal comfort is secondary - all I really care about is keeping Miss Paige from having a complete meltdown, therefore keeping myself from having a complete meltdown. And the flight crew can have a major role in this. Smiles, waves and Biscoff cookies go a long way in keeping a baby content while on a cramped airplane. Here is a picture of Paige on the return flight from NY last month:

Happy as a clam. Double-fisting the Biscoff cookies. And happy passengers around us.









And this is a picture of Paige on the flight to San Diego... Excited. Happy. Content. Why? Becasue the flight attendants were trying their best to play nice, despite the demands of a full plane. The Biscoffs were definitely flowing, and an hour after take-off, Paige was in dream land. All was well in the world.







And now take a look at this third picture... Taken mid-flight on the way home from San Diego... "One of these things is not like the other, not like the other". And so begins the "demon" portion of this tale... No, I'm not referring to Miss Paige. I'm referring to the evil Delta flight attendant who made it her mission to make baby - and parents - raging maniacs.

Before we even took off, I knew things were going to get ugly. I saw the flight attendant roll her eyes when she saw us get on the plane. Daniel saw it too, and immediately shook his head at me as if to say, "Let it slide..." So I did. But mama wasn't happy. So we took off without incident, except the Demon flight attendant's constant barrage to meanness over the PA system, reminding passengers it would be their own faults if this flight didn't take off on time. I have an idea, lady - how about you offer some assistance to passengers instead of yelling a them?! Just a thought... We timed this flight with Paige's nap time so she would sleep through most of the flight. About 30 minutes after take-off, Paige was snoozing. All was well in the world - Mama was reading. Daddy was working on his laptop. And then the Demon decided it was time for the beverage cart to make an appearance. Not a big deal. EXCEPT when she parks said beverage cart RIGHT NEXT TO THE SLEEPING BABY! And then instead of continue moving it down the aisle, she screams to each seat behind us, "Want some soda?!"  I was in the window seat with smoke coming out of my ears. Daniel was in the aisle seat and asked her nicely to move the cart down the row. She said no, and proceeded to shake the ice around as if she was in a production of "Stomp". Then she turns into our aisle, looks right at sleeping Paige, and in full-demon mode she screams, "Does the baby want some soda?!" At this point, Paige jumps awake, startled, and sees the Wicked Witch of Delta staring straight at her. Her eyes get big and round and she begins to scream at the top of her lungs. Tears start flowing. And you would think the Demon would move on at that point - but she didn't. She looked at Daniel and said again, "Does she want some soda NOW?!" Daniel looked at her, now also with steam coming out his ears, and said in his I'm about to punch you in the face if you don't get away from me right this second (which, BTW, I've only seen two other times in the near decade I've known him, both times directed at total idiots), "She.Is. A. Baby. She. Doesn't! Drink! Soda!" The Delta Demon rolled her eyes and finally moved her cart. Paige, on the other hand, didn't move on and cried uncontrollably for another 30 minutes.

And you probably think that is the worst of it, right? Wrong! The Delta Demon struck again on our way off the plane. Because of our sizable load to maneuver off the plane, we stayed in our seats until everyone had exited the plane so we wouldn't hold up people trying to make connections. And just as we were making our way down the aisle with baby, car seat, diaper bag and carry-on in tow - literally just 60 seconds after the last passenger had gotten off the plane - I hear the static of the PA system turn on. I look up and see the Delta Demon glaring at us through her magnifying glasses, perched on the tip of her nose. She then says, "Would you mind moving a little faster? We all have another flight to catch and you are taking FOREVER!" I swear. She really said that. Exactly. And began flagging us up with her hand. Daniel was in front of me and I heard him saying, "Deep breaths... deep breaths." I'm pretty sure he was directing himself to calm down, but I took his words for me as well and made a judgment call NOT to punch her in the face as we passed by her. However, I gave her a major stink eye, at which she smirked.

Let it be known I didn't hold my tongue for long... once we got Paige's diaper changed and a bagel for her to munch on, I was on the phone with Delta. I told all. I named names. And I don't know if they will ever say anything to this particular Demon flight attendant, but I felt better about it. And if you see the Delta Demon on a flight you are on, take those magnifying glasses off the tip of her nose and break them. Because that's what I wish I would have done... that would have really given me "closure" : )